There was a time in my life when the word yes came out of my mouth before I had even considered what it meant. I said yes to keep the peace, to avoid awkwardness, to feel useful, to be liked. I called it being helpful, but in truth it was people pleasing in disguise.
One example stands out because it captures exactly how far I used to go.
Smiley, cheerful Mrs G would often ask me for a favour. And every time, I agreed with enthusiasm. On this particular day I promised I would finish a task by the end of the day, even though my schedule was already overflowing. Unexpected issues came up, as they always do, and by five o’clock I had not even touched it.
The kind thing to do would have been to say, “Today ran away from me. I can work on it tomorrow.” But I could not bring myself to say that. Instead, I took it home, opened my laptop at midnight and finished the entire thing by 1.30am. It took an hour and a half, and I delivered it the next morning with a smiley face on a sticky note.
Mrs G was delighted. I felt needed and appreciated. She told me, “You are amazing, this usually takes me over an hour.” I did not tell her the truth about how long it took or that I had completed it half-asleep in the quiet darkness of my kitchen.
From then on, the task became mine each month. Other colleagues soon brought their work to me too, saying, “Mrs G says you are a whizz at this.” I took it all on, even when it pushed my own work to the side. It took six months of sacrificing Saturday mornings before I finally admitted to Mrs G that I was drowning under the weight of it all.
To my surprise, she felt awful. Almost upset with me. Not because I said I couldn’t do it any more, but because I had kept silent for so long. She said, “You should have told me. I would have understood.”
In that moment I realised something important. I had been nice, not kind. Nice is agreeable. Nice avoids discomfort. Nice says yes because it is easier in the moment. Kindness, on the other hand, is honest. Kindness respects both people. Kindness tells the truth even when it feels awkward.
The moral of this story is not that you should avoid helping colleagues or stop being generous. Helping people can be a beautiful part of work and life. The real lesson is that being nice and being kind are not the same thing. My desire to be liked and needed had overridden the authenticity of the relationship. Mrs G would have been more than fine if I had said, “I do not have time today, but we could work on it tomorrow afternoon.” She would have appreciated the honesty far more than the silent sacrifice.
Many of us fall into the same pattern. We say yes to avoid conflict or disappointment. We take on more than we can handle because we fear what will happen if we say no. But every time we say yes when we mean no, we drift a little further away from ourselves.
Here are some gentle reminders for anyone who struggles with this. Kindness includes yourself. You do not owe instant answers. You can pause and say, “Let me check and I will come back to you.” Honest limits prevent resentment later. People who value you will respect your boundaries. And authenticity always strengthens relationships because it allows both sides to show up truthfully.
Learning to say no is not selfish. It is self-respect. It is choosing honesty over performance. It is choosing kindness over niceness. The day I learned that difference was the day I finally understood what it means to honour myself.
