Without support, it can become all-encompassing, draining our energy and affecting our mood. As difficult as it is having to watch a loved one go through something like this, it’s even more so to suddenly find yourself in the (unplanned) position of becoming a Carer. For many, this can become reality literally overnight …
In a flash, our whole lives can be turned upside down as we try to juggle work, children, and looking after loved ones. Our relationships change. We can lose ourselves as sons and daughters as our roles shift to ‘parent/carer’. We can no longer enjoy day out, a weekend away or a badly needed holiday without scrambling around looking for someone else to step in for us … A big ask for those needing 24 hour care …
With a loved one diagnosed with Dementia, we can become Carers long before we realise. The phone starts to ring alerting us that our loved one has been found ‘wandering’ or gotten into some other kind of trouble …. The cold hard reality includes incidents like soiling in public, rearranging supermarket shelves, stripping clothes off, walking down motorways .. the eventualities are endless, heartbreaking and extremely challenging. We find ourselves dreading the phone ringing and having to drop everything and run. What will our bosses think? Who’s going to pick the kids up now?? Slowly we watch our loved ones personality change …. The person we knew and loved starts to disappear until we don’t recognise them any more…. They can become confrontational, even aggressive… It can be tempting to blame ourselves, wondering if we could have done better … Did we fail them somehow?
Caring for loved ones with brain injuries can be similarly challenging and sometimes, with the added complication of severe physical disabilities imposed literally overnight. Leaving the house can feel like an uphill battle. Our homes suddenly adorn bulky mobility equipment. Wheelchairs, scooters, urine bottles, stand aids, pads, transfer aids … There’s no escape from it. We can find ourselves with back issues and other injuries as we struggle to transfer our loved ones into wheelchairs and lift heavy equipment into the boot of the car day after day …
Carers in the UK are vastly under-supported. The charity Carers UK offers advice and support groups but this means the carer having to ask someone else to step in so they can attend a meeting for a couple of hours meaning many are trapped and isolated.
Coupled with a lack of funding to offer any credible source of income for carers, this adds significant financial strain on top of the many other challenges.
Carers in the UK receive £83.30 per week as Carer’s Allowance. The strain on people who’ve had to give up careers and live on this is unimaginable. This benefit is then removed once Carers receive the Government pension. So, as well as a general lack of understanding, there is also a feeling of a lack of appreciation for the incredibly challenging lives these people are living.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, it’s so important to be kind to yourself. It’s not selfish to leave your loved one and go out for a while. It’s not your fault your loved one isn’t able to do that without someone else. In fact, your loved one needs you to get a break. If you’re not there, who else will be? And they need a break from you too! Not underestimating the logistical challenge
of this sometimes, simply reading a book, listening to your favourite music, watching a good movie, indulging in a relaxing bath or just sitting in the garden are good alternatives to allow you some ‘’you-time’’. Your nervous system will thank you for it.
Some say it’s a privilege …. But the gritty reality is that when you’re physically exhausted and emotionally drained day after day, it can feel far from it sometimes.
Please don’t feel alone. Reach out for support from your GP, Social Services or Carers UK. You’re part of an Army of 5.8 million incredible people in the UK. Together, you’re doing an amazing job ….
You matter!!
